In the spirit of Halloween, I thought I might share some things that are particularly scary to me. I know I might get a lot of heat for the things I put on the list. Some of you may not agree with my reasons for being scared to death of the things on this list- just know it's all in good fun and laugh about them.
Also know, that a lot of the things I am making fun of- I do.
So don't take it offensively or else
YOU
will be on my next list.
"People I hope get smack-cammed because they over-react to jokes."
1. The Notebook
Whenever I watch it or even think about it, chills run down my spine and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
Perhaps one of the reasons I am so terrified of this movie is because I always watch it from a psychological stand point. Ryan Gosling's character Noah, had so many
mentally unhealthy things going on I don't even know where to start.
To many, the above film is the most romantic novel and book of all time.
That, to me is the most frightening thing of all.
I am scared to live in a world where women find men who are obsessed with the very idea of them
that they stagnate their lives, build a house and wait for you to come, romantic.
That is unhealthy.
That isn't love.
You want to know why it isn't love?
Because he didn't just "build a house and wait for you to come."
He had some fling on the side with some chick.
That is not devoted love- that is a back up plan in case you decided, upon seeing that house in the paper, that you thought he was a weirdo, potential psychopath and decided to avoid that town like the Bubonic Plague.
Which is the correct course of action, if you for any reason ever find yourself in a situation like that.
2. Tai Pan
Tai Pan, even with its cute accessories is a place where nightmares come true.
First the place smells funny.
When are the owners of that store going to realize that making everything smell like potpourri and cinnamon is not comforting nor inviting.
If you want me to think your store is cozy and inviting, bake some dang chocolate chip cookies.
That'll keep people coming.
Second, Glitter.
Why does Tai Pan find it necessary to put glitter on EVERYTHING!?!
It's as if the person in charge of purchasing inventory orders adorable things from a catalog,
get it shipped to the warehouse, and before anything is allowed to be shipped out to stores, they put glue on it and douse it in glitter.
Do they not know that glitter is the herpes of craft supplies?
It gets everywhere and never, ever, ever comes off.
I went there two months ago and I'm still trying to get glitter off of me.
Lastly, check out.
I always make sure Tai Pan is the last stop on my mall trip.
As if being caught in Tai Pan wasn't enough.
I always have to make up some excuse as to why I'm there, like I'm ashamed.
"Oh, my mom made me come."
or
"I'm just here for the clean bathrooms."
They make you advertise for their potpourri, glitter quarantine establishment by putting your items in a clear/cream colored high school cafeteria garbage bag.
I can't go to any stores after that!
I'm not going to tote around garbage bag like I just shopped at China Town.
People might start handing me their empty Pretzel Time Cups.
Why don't you just kill me?
3. Twilight Series
The only thing I'm going to say about this matter is that I read the books. The grammar used and plot line of the story was that which could have been written by a 12 year old girl.
If I thought that was terrible, I spoke to soon, because then they started to make movies...
Why does Kristen Stewart always look constipated?
Why does Edward always look like he's going to eat her?
Than, he kind of does...
Imprinting is not a valid excuse Jacob.
She's still a baby and you are a freak.
That logic would never hold up in a court of law.
Why were the ending credits to the final movie, the exact same as the opening credits of One Life to Live?
(The soap opera for those who don't want to admit they have ever watched day time television).
One Life to Live should honestly consider suing.
They stole your opening credits!
Lastly, Stephanie.
Stop telling people God inspired you to write Twilight.
He would never do that.
He might inspire you to become a writer.
He might confirm that writing books for children is a good path in life for you.
He did not instruct you to write about vampires doing it.
You should be ashamed.
4. Technology
Technology is good.
I couldn't live without it.
But there are some things that scare me about it.
Texting. Youtube. Facebook. Instagram. Snap Chat.
Texting.
I find it scary that we live in a world where if someone calls you, it's weird.
Think about the last time someone called you.
You probably thought it was an emergency.
Or you looked down at your phone and saw the name of the person on your screen and thought,
"Why are they calling me? Well, if it's important they'll text."
I was watching CK Louis on Conan O'Brien and he opened my eyes about texting.
What he said made so much sense to me.
He said texting and talking over the internet is making our next generation mean.
When we were kids, if we wanted to say something mean to someone, we had to do it face to face or over the phone.
You said something mean, saw the other person's reaction:
Sadness or Hurt
and thought,
"Oh. That doesn't feel good. I don't like the way I feel when I see how my words effected someone."
And, you stopped saying mean things.
Now, you type or text,
"You're fat."
You feel powerful.
It feels good.
You keep doing it.
You're a jerk.
Also, he talked about how people rely on their phones to avoid feelings of sadness or loneliness.
They don't allow themselves to just sit there and be in the moment.
They don't allow themselves to contemplate about life, because it's scary and oftentimes hard,
so they get on their phones to avoid the negative feelings.
"Oh no, without my phone I have to accept the fact that Jared and I broke up...
um.. no I think I'll watch 8 million vines instead.
Facebook/ Instagram.
You don't have that many friends.
You aren't fooling anyone.
Nobody cares that your cat learned how to do a backflip.
Stop writing vague posts and refusing to answer anyone when they ask you about it.
What's new Rachelle? : "Ready to just give up on it all. There is no point. Sad."
@jewels : why what's wrong sweetheart?
f@howard: can I help with anything?
pat@ttack: Why aren't you answering my texts?
...
Also, you would never call someone and explain the mahi mahi you were eating in full detail before you ate it..
so why exactly are you posting it on Instagram again?
And if I don't care about what you do on the daily, I surely won't care what you do by the second, which leads me to:
Snap Chat.
Nobody cares.
Yup. That about sums it up.
Youtube.
This is seriously, by far the scariest.
Before, youtube used to be about sharing happy or funny videos.
Now, it's where people download videos of tragic things.
I am deeply saddened that youtube has become the outlet where people download videos of people getting robbed, being mugged, being humiliated, being hit by a car, etc.
Where are the heroes in this world?
How did you come to the conclusion that video taping a man being humiliated by a group of teenagers was more appropriate than putting down your phone and trying to help that man?
I remember thinking, if something bad happens to me in public, someone will show compassion on me and help me out.
That is not the reality that we live in anymore.
It is the exception.
It is more likely that 45 people would videotape me and upload it than stop to actually help me.
5. Twerking
I don't care if grown adults twerk.
That's your prerogative.
But please, consider this a public service announcement, don't make your babies twerk.
Especially don't make them twerk and than post it on Youtube and Vine for the whole world to see.
It is incredibly creepy.
It should be considered child abuse.
Why don't you just advertise to pedophiles (or Jacob from Twilight) that you have kids that can twerk for them?
You have no idea who are watching your children on the internet or for what personal gain they hope to achieve from watching it.
Also, when your kids grow up and see that you posted them shaking their butt upside down with their diaper on and it go 9039646486748367843 views, they are going to hate you.
Imagine applying for a job,
"Oh you're the baby in the Twerksalot video from 2013? I used to watch that all the time!"
uh... yeah.
6. Getting a Trim
I think everyone can share my pain.
Boys, girls, men and women alike.
You know that fear you have when you at the salon or the barber shop and a complete stranger is standing behind you.
You ask them, "Please only cut off a 1/4 of an inch, I'm trying to let me hair grow."
You know that is not going to happen.
You know when they turn that chair around and you are forced to look at yourself that you will have 3 inches missing from your hear.
You know you have all thought about grabbing those scissors, shears, electric razors and chopping off a few inches of their hair.
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!? Why are you so mad? It'll grow back! Now pay me $50 for doing what you didn't want me to do.
7. People that won't miss work when they are sick
Here's a thought.
Don't come.
I don't know how to make it anymore simple.
Nobody is going to think you are noble.
Nobody is going to think you are a better employee for coming in.
People don't get raises for infesting the entire office with their germs.
All people are thinking is:
Please stay the heck away from me.
Don't touch my stuff.
Sanitize everything you touch.
Don't breath on me.
I have a thing next weekend I don't want to miss, but I will if you infect me with your sick nastiness.
Seriously, go home.
In fact better than go home, stay home in the first place.
If you think you're going to get fired for missing three days of work to recover from sinus infection,
trust me, you don't want to work there.
8. College
I don't like the fact that college professors think that all of your time should be spent doing their stupid busy work assignments.
I don't like the fact that every teacher thinks the only class you are taking that semester is that class, so they pile work on you.
"You should have plenty of time to do this assignment over Fall Break."
First off, Fall break is two days long.
Second, I was planning on sleeping all Fall Break.
Third, Are you working over Fall Break?
No, to you it's vacation.
It's vacation for me too, you little jerk.
9. Diners
I don't think diners in general scare me, maybe they do.
I was thinking in particular, IHop.
I don't like how they can't cook an egg.
I don't like how the syrup containers are always crystallized.
I don't like how the menus everything is sticky.
I don't like how everyone in there, you're pretty sure you saw on America's Most Wanted or Unsolved Mysteries.
10. I am getting old
The other day, Brian and I were at Burlington Coat Factory.
There were some teenagers there, playing hide and go seek or some crap
and I couldn't help but find myself getting angrier and angrier.
After listening to them giggle and watching them chase each other around the store I turned to Brian in frustration and said,
"I want to leave now!"
Then it hit me.
I am getting old.
I now know why my father hated me from the time I was 12 to the age of 21.
I used to be just as annoying as the stupid kids in there.
Another thing that scares me about my inevitable aging is the fact that my next milestone in life is parenthood.
Am I in the twilight zone?
I remember being 11 and my milestone was getting to high school.
Than having my first boyfriend.
Than going to Prom.
Than graduating.
Going to college.
Getting Married.
Establishing a Home.
...
First comes love.
Than comes marriage...
No! Stop singing!
It's a little daunting that my next milestone in life, is to create another life.
Shouldn't there be some type of course I need to pass in order to qualify for this?
Isn't there some sort of Application process?
I mean if it takes 4 months to get a passport, it should take at least a year to get a parenting license...
11. Any sort of precipitation
I'm not afraid of precipitation. My hair is.
But relating to this. I remember refusing to leave lots of places because it was raining or snowing and my dad would get upset with me and say,
"Snow/Rain never killed anyone."
Hi dad. Let me know if you've ever heard of these:
Blizzards?
Monsoons?
Hurricanes?
Yeah it does.
All the time.
Message to me dad: Even though, I realize I am being vain, that isn't your strongest argument.
You should probably come up with something else.
12. Time
I was thinking about this yesterday when I was getting ready to go on a double date with Brian and some friends.
I asked Brian what time it was
8:15
What felt like 3 minutes later it was 8:57
How does that happen?
On the other hand, at work, you look at the clock
2:30
what feels like 3 hours later
2:34
Seriously?
This is a cruel cruel world we live in.
Just kill me already.
Put me out of my misery.
13.Miley Cyrus
I don't feel the need to elaborate on this at all.
